Relating with the bereaved

Welcome to Pee's Blog!

My topic today is one that does not get talked about a lot but I think is so necessary. No matter how uncomfortable it is to talk about death, it is a part of life we all must come to terms with. At some point we will go through that phase or have someone who is passing through it. It can be a bit awkward relating with someone who is grieving. Some people are truly confused about what to say to the bereaved and there are those who are confident they're saying the right thing but are really not.

A major factor to consider when reaching out to someone who is grieving is empathy. I know it is really hard to be empathic when you have not been in a situation where you've lost someone really dear before. However, picture yourself in that position for a minute and whatever you cannot imagine someone else say to you, please don't say it. Again, it is nearly impossible to imagine if you have never been there. In our race as humans, let's strive to become better by making it more about others than ourselves because the world is hard enough.

People tend to be really sensitive when mourning. There are a ton of emotions going on at the same time including anger, resentment, shock, sadness, bitterness, shaky-faith, (if that's a word), doubting-if-God-exists, you mention! therefore be warned; anything you say to someone in this vulnerable mental state can be used against you for the rest of your life. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 Here are my list of NOs when it comes to comforting that person who has just lost a loved one.

1. God gives and God takes.
I can't possibly be the only one who detests this statement. yeah...yeah I know what you're thinking. I will tell you what the issue with this phrase is. Firstly, you might say this to someone who is really doubting their faith and God's existence at that moment. I'll give you an example of a case I had to handle as a  counselling intern. It involved a lady who lost about 6 family members in about 6 months- not distant relatives mother, father, brother, husband you name it! Some of them died in her presence. She suffered severe post traumatic stress disorder leading to anhedonic depression and lost the ability to cry so when the thoughts came, she would pass out. Now when I heard this, best believe I became the one who needed the counsellor instead. If you're not careful with who you make this statement to, you can make them feel like God "killed" their loved one and He is wicked. It's quite complicated and it's easy to say they shouldn't think that way- again, you are not in their shoes.

In addition, I know that phrase is in the Bible but it was never something Jesus said. The statement was made by Job in Job 1:21 "And he said: Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord". This was a statement Job made to console himself but let's not forget that Job's faith was unwavering- hence his trial but not everyone is that way. Unless you're sure the person you're consoling is like Job, or you're saying it to console yourself, I'd advice to look for something else rather than this phrase.

2. Why are you still crying? You should be over it by now... Men don't cry (basically anything along these lines).
It is absolutely ok to cry! tears can be very relieving and if they were unnecessary, we would never have them. People express emotions differently. Never invalidate someone else's pain. You're wondering what to do? put your hands around them, say a word of prayer with them, give a hug, hand them tissues. It is better not to say anything than to say something that might be hurtful. Even Jesus wept with friends in John 11:35. Time is a natural pain healer, let people come around at their own time but until then, please stop asking why they're crying. Some days the tears don't flow and other days the emotions takeover and can be overwhelming even if it is like 5 years after. Try to be understanding.

3. What happened? How did they pass?
A time of mourning is not really time to provide gist. Can you imagine the feeling of having to explain this to over a hundred people? Except you're really close to the person, or they're willing to talk about it, kindly save your curiosity for a better time. Not everyone is strong enough to relive a painful moment they are trying to overcome. If you're really interested in the story, ask someone else... maybe someone close enough to know but not directly affected.

4. Do not mourn like unbelievers.
This phrase sounds like spiritual blackmail. Before you eat me, take a moment to understand and breathe. Firstly, I am not sure how 1Thesselonians 4:13 was misinterpreted to become this. When Timothy wrote to the church, he said do not mourn like someone who has no hope (I am not sure how that translated to unbelievers). He was basically saying to the believers to mourn with the consciousness that there will be a reunion with the believers who have passed, in a better place. It should serve as consolation. Being Christian does not automatically remove the hurt we feel because we're still humans. It just provides assurance and hope for the future.

I understand that these phrases have become a norm because religion has shaped culture and society but it is important to understand the context in which something was written and interpret things properly. There are so many things I can highlight in this post but I'll just leave it here for now. Our intentions might be good but words cut deep especially during mourning when people can be very sensitive. Whatever it is, just remember to be kind. It is up to us to know more, do more and be more.

If you have any awkward experiences you'd like to share, please do in the comment section below. I'd love to hear some of the "interesting" things that were said to you when you've lost a loved one.

Thank you for visiting Pee's blog, don't forget to share and subscribe.

See you in a fortnight,
Love,
Pee!