Forgiveness

Image courtesy of nathanrouse.org

Hello everyone!

A big welcome back to Pee's Blog. I know it has been month since I last posted. I went on a long, well-deserved and enjoyable break and it feels good to be back and sharing my thoughts. Special thanks to those who messaged me to ask what is happening on the blog it feels good to know that someone somewhere looks forward to my posts.

My topic today is not exactly a favourite for many people and it is understandable. When the topic of forgiveness is mentioned, two things come to mind. Forgiveness from God and forgiving each other however, I intend to focus on forgiving each other. Isn't it ironic how we all want forgiveness from God yet find it difficult to forgive someone who has wronged us. I think most times we forget that the forgiveness we receive from God is dependent on the how willing we are to forgive others. "...And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins". Mark 11:25

On the 4th of August, 2013, It was a Sunday morning. I listened keenly, as my pastor's wife read from 1Corinthians 12 which talks about the importance of the body's wholeness. I don't know why but as she read, I was really sensitive to the passage and I was thanking God for the 'small' parts of my body I never really pay attention to probably because I consider them 'irrelevant'. At the end of that day, I settled in bed at 11pm when I felt a sharp pain for about 2secs in my left ear which I thought was strange but I 'ignored' little did I know it was the beginning of many painful and lonely days.

The pain which started off as 2secs eventually mounted up so much, causing me to loose balance and become immobile. For a whole week I experienced excruciating pain in my left ear which felt like a combination of a volcanic eruption and drilling inside my ear (if by any chance you have ever experienced the slightest tooth ache, multiply the pain by a twenty; that's the closest I can come to describing the pain). At the end of August, a diagnosis revealed I had traumatic tympanic membrane disorder together with ossicular dislocation which meant that my ear drum had ruptured leaving a hole and the ossicles (tiny bones in the ear responsible for co-ordinating sound waves to the ear) had been displaced. The long and short of this episode is I was declared deaf in my left ear and not only that, I had so many restrictions on what I wasn't allowed to do so as to prevent meningitis and as if that wasn't enough, the trauma also resulted in tinnitus.

At the end of my first session with my ENT doc where he questioned myself and Mum while trying to investigate what might have led to the problem I was experiencing (I was even asked if I had survived a bomb blast smh), it was traced to a slap I had received from an uncle the year before. The thing is after my Father passed in 2010, the family sort of fell apart because there were too many disagreements and misunderstandings. For years, myself, mum and younger brother experienced constant threats, harassment and confrontation and in the process of defending my family, I always ended up being beaten severely and the last time this happened was on the 4th of August 2012. I had gone for a check-up later that day however, it didn't occur to anyone that I might have sustained an internal injury in my ear which had been unattended to for so long, resulting in a trauma.

Firstly, I was still trying to recover from the shock of loosing my father and having the family torn apart. However, being deaf was certainly not something I was prepared for and I was experiencing a mixture of different feelings at the same time. Hatred, resentment, bitterness, anger and I wasn't the only one angry my Mum and everyone else was infuriated because the physical and emotional pain was too much. It is one thing to be hurt by just anyone but picture being hurt by the one who is supposed to protect you and look out for you.

At that moment of my life, it was like I experienced the same vulnerability as Joseph in the Bible in the book of Genesis- a helpless child who was sold out to slavery by the ones who were supposed to protect him as one of the least in his household. I don't know how Joseph did it but I tell you, it was hard- very hard. Everyday, I lived with constant reminder of the emotional pain as I suffered physically. Imagine how hard it was to go to God in prayer knowing I hard to forgive for me to be forgiven.

From August to October 2013, I silently battled depression and everyday there was a substantial reason to cry. At the beginning of 2014, I joined my church for the very first time in the 'Power to Run' fast because I knew that for me to continue living, it will take a lot more than my 'wanting' to forgive. As I trusted God, I could feel him turn every bitterness to joy. I also kept thanking God in my prayers because even though I was certified deaf in that ear after my hearing test, I could still hear a little. I was certain that like Joseph I would be able to say that "you intended to harm me, but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20).

In August 2014, I went for a routine check and you can't imagine the joy in my heart when the same ENT Doc who said I wouldn't be able to hear in that ear told me the hole was closing up and it was barely noticeable anymore. After another hearing test, my hearing had improved greatly compared to the previous year and in 2015, I remember asking My GP if she could see anything and she said "I see no hole". I was indeed marvelled at the awesomeness of God. The hole had sealed.
           
When we're told to forgive, it isn't exactly because of the offender. Forgiveness is a sign of submission to God's will. It is one of the ways we are moulded, stretched and shaped into God's plan for us and looking back I realise letting go certainly couldn't have been by my power. At the end of the day, no one is worth occupying the space that joy should take up in our lives. In my case, I learned that in the end, I am God's vessel and he'll do with me as he pleases to prove a point. It might mean being bruised, wounded but at the end of the day there is no testimony without a test.

Forgiveness is a big step. You may never physically return to how you were before infact I still experience aftermaths however, it reminds me that I'm a survivior. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death and depression and He preserved me. In the end you'll be glad that you went through a process and you were able to rise above the situation. What was meant to break you turned out to be for good. If you're hurting, let God know how you're feeling but most importantly, be willing to allow him mould you. He understands.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you- Lewis B. Smedes".

Glossary:
ENT: A specialist Dr for Ear, Nose and Throat.
Tinnitus: A buzzing sound in the ear.

See you soon.
Love,
Pee.